Thought I would share this on this blog too.
So, this has no doubt been the hardest year of my life. A year which I will be taking much more than this one post to try and explore. But for today, I will be talking about love and loss. Doors closing and opening.. even if only just a crack at first.
I would like to share something that I wrote recently. My Mom asked me to, and it is something I probably should have taken the time to write months ago. However, I put it off due to the pain it brought up to the surface. Even now, 8 months later I sobbed my way through the entire composition. But I made it, and it has helped to have it all out there and not trapped in my heart.
Lorelia
I have never been a dog person. They are stinky, drool, stick their wet noses on your butt, and have absolutely no personal bubble. That’s not to say I disliked dogs, I just didn’t want them on me… or in my house. At one point I found that I liked puppies. Cute, sweet, lovable, and above all small! But as is natural, all puppies grow up. That is, until I found a forever puppy, and a forever friend.
Having PCOS is something that has controlled the majority of my life. I have been sick a lot, and the aftermath of the symptoms have put me in some really dark places. I always thought I would be married and have kids before I was 20. That didn’t happen for me, and it hit me a lot harder than I would like to admit. I did meet the love of my life and was married just before my 23rd birthday; however a few years after we were married we realized we weren’t getting pregnant. I soon found out I had issues that made it more than likely I would never be able to have my own baby. My husband and I both played it down and said it will happen when the time is right. Inside though, I was breaking. I felt empty and alone. At this same time we lived very far away from my closest friends, and I being a social person desperately needed that closeness. My husband would get lost in his world of computers and technology and I felt so empty and purposeless. I was sinking into a vortex of despair that I would try to hide from the rest of the world. I didn’t want to be that person, but I could feel it swallowing me. I didn’t want to get up at all. I would stay in bed until 3 in the afternoon hiding from my thoughts and others input. I would pretend I had done things all day, but really had no desire to do anything. It all felt so pointless and menial. After a year or so of this I tried some anti-depressant pills. But as my husband puts it, I went from depressed to “freakin crazy!” So a year, and a lot of fights, later those were cast aside. This crazy depressed, useless state of mind was taking away my glow. I could feel it shrinking into a darkness that I didn’t know how to ever come out of.
In early 2008 I went on a much needed trip to visit my Mom up in Portland. She had told me she was living with her Aunt (the crazy lady with a zillion dogs) and had been able to get a “wonderful little Chihuahua” of her very own. I, being the brat I am, thought “Great a growling little ankle biter. Hope she keeps it away from me”. When she picked me up at the airport she had this little black mouse/dog with her. Despite my hesitation, I found her curled up on my chest and sleeping happily 10 minutes into the ride home. I melted and by the time my visit was over I told my Mom I wanted one of her puppies if she got pregnant. Ok, what I really said was “I am taking your Dog with me! Say Bye-bye”. But when that didn’t fly, then we discussed puppies.
About 7 months later my husband and I ended up moving to Portland area ourselves. A short time later Sofie (my Mom’s dog) was at the point she could be bred. I helped with the breeding, the gestation period, and the Christmas birth or 4 tiny little rat-dogs. I remember as I pulled out the dark chocolate girl and clipped her umbilical cord I knew. I just knew she was the one for me. I named her that night, Lorelia Chocho. Chocho means butterfly in simple childlike Japanese, because I knew she would have the big beautiful butterfly ears like her mom. However, she was more often called my ‘Angel Baby’. I went to visit them every day, and I would hold her close to my face and gently breathe hot air onto her neck.
After a long 10 weeks of getting big and strong I got to take her home with me. After that day my Angel Baby and I were inseparable. For the first time in as long as I could remember I wanted to get up in the mornings. I wanted to do things with my life. It started out simply that I had to take her outside to go potty unless I wanted a mess. I needed to train her to be well behaved. She jumped on my face and licked me to death for making her wait too long before getting up. I found I was enjoying going out again if I had her with me because she was so excited to go anywhere. Everywhere we went people fell instantly in love with her. Lolo was the sweetest most lovable puppy they had ever met, and it made me feel proud, loved and accepted myself. I trained her to sit in a cart without barking, growling, or trying to jump out. I taught her many tricks like; sit, dance, rollover, speak, and lay down. This gave me a much needed sense of accomplishment and therefore worth. I had officially rejoined the land of the living with my amazing companion at my side. I felt purpose, confidence and success all by means of her undying love and devotion. Most importantly, I was truly happy.
Live has been especially hard for me the last few years. Surgeries, partial separation from my dear husband, loss of loved ones… but I was doing ok. Making it through these dark times because I had my little life saver curled up in my bed with me every night, and her happy wagging tail to great me every time I came back into a room. I never felt really alone anymore, and I didn’t have that lost empty feeling trying to swallow me down. Lorelia had become the light in my life I so desperately needed and she changed my life forever.
March 9th 2012… My house burned down. I had left Lolo and her brother Jojo home that night while I went to a play and dinner with friends. The dogs were shut in my room which is where the fire was. Despite that neither dog was burned at all, the smoke was far more than their little bodies could handle. Jojo was already gone when they were finally found, and as I sat in the ambulance for hours in shock, my soot covered baby was brought to me. I held oxygen on her mouth for about an hr, and then took her to the vet. They said her oxygen levels were good. Lorelia was a fighter, and she hung on so hard. She proved to the Dr I could take her home the next day by walking for my when she couldn’t for them. By perking her head up when I walked into the room when she was completely lethargic for them. She comforted me even though it was her that was in pain. I heard her crying as she slept, but if I cried she pressed her little head into me and penetrated my heart with her love. She couldn’t walk right, but for me she would try, even stumbling outside to go potty because she knew I wanted her to. Never had I seen an animal try so hard to please someone. And despite all the loss, I still had my joy, my Angel Baby.
On the 3rd evening, as I thought I was seeing improvement Lorelia suddenly went into seizures that neither I, nor the vet were ever able to stop.
Facebook post March 13 at 6:15pm via mobile ·
· My baby is gone from this world now. I love her with all my heart forever. She saved me when I needed her so. Goodbye my precious Angel Baby Lorelia.
Lorelia Chocho, born the cold morning of December 27th 2009 in Estacada Oregon really did save my life. She was a gift from God, and a light to the world and my life. These little dogs can change a person with their unwavering love and joy. They may not be doing a service like leading the blind out of a busy street, but how is that of any greater value than leading a soul out of darkness? For that she will always be loved and remembered.
Eight Months LaterI have been so lonely and emotional all these months. I miss my baby so very much. I have been going to the animal shelter regularly and playing with the little dogs there. It has been good for me because now I can actually play with and love on the dogs and not just sit with them in my arms while I sob. (Improvement I'd say)
And now, at last, Lorelia and Jojo's sister Reighly who lives with a wonderful family in Arizona has had a little of puppies. There are 3 black boys, and one tan blessing of a girl that is going to come live with me. I cried the first picture I saw of her, and don't think I have ever been this excited about the birth of something.
I have decided to name her Aria, because Aria means song and the 1st time I saw her face it brought a song of joy to my heart.
